And this is weird.. I feel slightly less depressed after shitting myself.
Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
Nothing says Christmas like gin and tears.
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
Double fisting Gray Goose bottles. We've officially ruined her.
it would be nice to just get drunk, not hook up with anyone, and not die this weekend
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
The thumbs up barstamp on my hand is mocking my hangover with its positivity.
I love it. Like, more than my penis at the moment.
I planned on emotionally scarring him for life this weekend. DAMN YOU PERIOD!
I have the starring role in a literal shit show.
dude, last night I won a real sword and a bottle of vodka in a cards against humanity tournament
I heard Enya coming from steve’s room. I am too high to handle this sudden depth of character
How ironic... opening your legs for closure.
It occurred to me today, whilst I was on the phone to boyfriend number 1, whilst in the car with boyfriend number 2 who was dropping me at the shops to meet boyfriend number 3 to help me buy a present for boyfriend number 4 that I should be having much more sex than I am.
Randomize
