Idk man, it felt like my skin was a suit and I could feel it zipping up my side and up to my mouth. And then my head felt like a ventriloquist dummy's head, with the jaw thing..it was freaky, dude
You think that's a metaphor for anything, champ?
Shut the hell up.
There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
you try finding a go kart track at 4 AM on Thanksgiving
The bouncers kicked us out around 3 so we went to the grocery store flasks in hand and asked them to turn up their music...
I walked into your room and you had fallen asleep smoking a cigarette. You just had the butt in your mouth with ash all over your face.
He just grabbed my boob and justified it by saying "I just wanna feel your heart beat"
Drinking Hot Toddies on the Porch and blasting bob dylans "hurricane" bring it on sandy!
He expects to fuck my tits but will ignore me in public.
Winning pick four numbers were just 6969... if I were 18 I could've won 20,000 dollars.
Now I'm obligated to stay and cuddle with her because the condom broke. Fuck.
She just broke into my apartment while I was asleep, woke me up and drunkenly tried to seduce me for about 2 minutes, then passed out..
Why is there cereal literally EVERYWHERE?
It didn't follow directions.
I mean, I already saw his dick in person and wasn't impressed so why is he sending me a picture of it, anyway? I hate re-runs!
? I'm just sitting watching something borrowed alone, crying in my boxers , feel like I should probably do something
I would offer you moral support, but I have questionable morals..
Randomize
