wtf he couldnt undo my bra, i asked him if it was his first time and he said "with a girl? yeah"
tell your sister to shave her snatch
theres a middle aged lesbian couple holding hands on the bus and a 17 or 18 year old christian girl visibly staring freaked out and audibly praying about it
i dont know you, but i just did a line with your business card.
I tried to cut him off and he said "I was the president of a fraternity for 3 years, I could outdrink God."
did you seriously make the punch out of vodka and food coloring
When I start puking tomorrow, just let me be. it'll start around 8:35. just let me heave. i love this part of my morning.
Of all the things I am low enough to do, how could you even doubt if that was one of them?
constantly striving to make life awkward and more complicated, one drunk bone at a time.
i have 90 minutes to kick this food poisoning or josh's first experience with buttsex will be his last
FUCK BUDDYS DON'T HOLD HANDS. NO EXCEPTIONS.
Well we did eat French fries lady-and-the-tramp style last night...
You lost me at unexpected butt stuff. Everything else I would probably do.
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
So... my daughter's new girlfriend Is the daughter of the girl I dated on and off in college Who ran away because she got pregnant at my house party. My Legitimate daughter Is probably fucking my Illegitimate daughter...
Randomize
