fuck, i never want to drink again I drunk dialed matt last night and broke up with him the second night in a row. FUCK QUADFEST
Sooo, his balls are like... bigger than my head...
He told me he was ok to drive home. Then I found him face-planted in the parking lot.
I now beleive the Trojan Ecstasy ad "feels like nothing's there". They forgot to add "...cause the condom broke."
Just picture a bunch of Abraham Lincolns having an orgy.
I drunkenly asked a stripper to join our volleyball team.
We should bet how many people are going to get alcohol poisoning next weekend and whoever wins gets a free Starbucks.
if the future wants me to fuck him, then i guss i have to
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
You were peeing on a bus yelling fuck public transit, congratulations.
Im like a hedgehog. Easy to corner or get within reach, but tough to get right close to. Like a rooster with its feathers surgically replaced with razors
Then years and years after that I will send you a picture of my warped vagina from all the kids that I had.
You're like a human soul vacuum cleaner.
Guy in my class today said, "I'm pretty sure you think about beer 95% of the time."
i feel like the girl with kaleidoscope eyes except the kaleidoscopes are sparkly butt plugs
Randomize
