Don't be mad at me. I know peeing in your drawer is 1 thing and peeing on you while you're sleeping is another, but im sorry..i love you
Just got a lapdance on the metro. She said she was on maternity leave and needed the practice.
Her mom caught her drunk streaking when she was 12. Of course she's perfect for me.
Its a "sake bomb in the bathroom during class" kind of day.
I don't have patience to seek someone out and try to decipher whether or not I think I'd want to actually have their dick in my face.
I can't help but feel like we would be friends still if my phone didn't always capitalize BUTTLOAD...
I don't know man, I have to ask my girlfriend if I can borrow my balls from her purse.
Question: trumpet bong. Can it work.
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
Fuck romance. Just shaved my nipples in the shower because I felt like it. That's the life I'm about.
The name of the man in your bed is not Ryan. I can't remember what his name is but that is wrong
you never keep up with shots anymore
I'm trying to be more responsible these days
you fucking tried to take your pants off and pee in Taco Bell's parking lot
You kept licking me last night.... and said I tasted like jello. Next time, lay off the jello shots, okay?
I'm just glad you didn't end up in Staten Island
I woke up naked holding a taco. My ass couldn't even make it to my bed let alone Staten Island
Is it wrong for me to wish my cat had arms to get me a beer?
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