shes the kind of girl i dont like to talk to unless my penis is in her mouth.
Time to put an end to this 'unprotected sex with crazy girls who have violent exes' trip I've been on so far this summer
my sisters under your porch take her home
hey can i play with your boom stick tonite? I'll let you shoot the love of jesus in my face.
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Your mom is more observant then Randy Newman.
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
He told me he wanted to break up so he could get "closer to God."
Does God suck his dick?
Did we have sex last night or did we just wake up naked covered in oil?
The bouncer said he wanted to but BBQ sauce on my legs. That Mystic tan has already paid for itself.
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At CVS buying just condoms. The guy behind me is buying just hotdog buns. There was a silent moment of understanding between us.
why the fuck would he compare you to sexy aquatic creatures?
Since your rent is paid til the first, we decided to use your apartment as the beer pong room. We apologize in advance for losing your security deposit.
You fuck like a mechanic. That is the universe telling you that is your true calling. Take this as a sign.
she gave me her number. found out it was already stored in my phone as "bathroom blowjob"
Soooo you know how I said I was trying to be a rational adult? Well that led to me fucking a rational adult today.