I think your mom looks like a breed of donkey and elephant, but her boobs are perfect
My underwear smells like fireworks.
I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
gave myself the "you're a really good girlfriend" talk on the way to where i intentionally cheated on him. i am my own drunken therapist.
23 Insane Reasons People Got Fired
The world is my kaleidiscope. I see whatever the alcohol wants me to.
HELP THE ONLY THING THAT'S HELPING ME DISTINGUISH BETWEEN THE TWO OF THEM IS THE DIRECTION OF THEIR WINKY FACES OMFG
No work today. I woke up and someone had written "Markhot Penis = Party" on my forehead in sharpie. Do you know a Mark?
How can other people our age be acting like adults when I'm still taking my birth control pill with left over gin and tonic from the night before?
Learn from me. Do not smoke cigs and fold laundry in your room. The cigarette will fall into the dresser without you noticing and your shirts will be on fire. Wanna go shopping tomorrow? I need some new shirts.
These 31 Gross People Really Put The ‘Trash’ In ‘Trashed’
hooking up with him was much more fun when i knew in the back of mind we'd get in some sort of trouble for it
Do you remember ripping my condom off last night while yelling "I DEMAND MY MEAT RAW" like a Viking?
I enjoy the level of friendship we have achieved until you ask me to determine what may or may not be gentile warts via iphone pic
Ended up in his bed... He's passed out holding me and his bulldog is laying across my legs. Both snoring. HELP!! I wanna go home!
A girl just invited me over for a blowjob and beer. Is this a trap?
Considering all of my stomach contents ended up in my center console, I'm a bit peckish.