I apologize for getting really drunk, taking off my shirt, bitching someone out, crying, and breaking something at your party next weekend...
The bartender gave me the kids toys. Paddle ball & a gecko.
After so many times of carrying your puked covered clothes home in a bag on a Tuesday morning, you begin to realize that Fucked Up Mondays aren't a real thing.
I still have a scar from the last time she gave me a handjob. There is NO WAY i'll stick my dick anywhere near her again
Never use fire and ice condoms with a dude who always claims he "didn't know it was the wrong hole"
You told me you would ride a pig into the night sky screaming, "I wear my sunglasses at night"
Apparently I'm ahead in the foot race to his dick because I'm not insane. If I'd have known that's all it took, I'd have worn sweat pants more often.
I think I should start a match.com profile and put "robe lounging" as my only hobby
I took a yellow and pink pill, all of a sudden my sex drive is back, and for some reason all I wanna do is fuck Amish dudes
Good God, I miss doing unknown drugs with you.
Apparently HR frowns upon current employees introducing themselves to the new employee as "Hi I'm sleeping with your cousin"
I still can't get the taste of her nipples and the udon noodles out of my mouth
I woke up with your vibrator in my face
Well I want to be mistreated and called a slut and finger banged
But I guess hugs would be nice
I’ve got a lot of questions but the first one has to be where you got the flame thrower.
So, my first week in Saskatchewan ended with me drinking moonshine and getting eaten out in a tractor. I already love it here!
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