Does my surprise involve the use of a safe word?
Probably.
I'm in.
He broke up with me by playing Lynyrd Skynyrd "Free Bird".
I just pulled the condom that i lost on tues out of me at work ewwww!
Since when do you wear a bracelet?
Not a bracelet. Half a pair of handcuffs
I'm officially my mother.. Smoking in the garage pretending to take the dog out in a big ugly jacket
i know and i thought i was only capable of loving dick and drugs, im so happy
Don't blame me for eating all the ham.. I gave it out to people, so at most I'm guilty of ham distribution
I know you think I'm being paranoid, but can you please make sure Danny doesn't rub my wedding invitation on his balls?
The sex was so good I went temporarily numb. Slightly embarrassing when she pointed out I was kissing my own arm.
Don't worry I'm alive. The apt is all locked up so I'm sleeping on the patio. The frozen pizza I got might be toast unless someone lets me in soon. If not its all good I'll be here snoring on the patio
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
She must've been waiting down the street cause after I said I specialized in inner-thigh-face-massage it couldn't have been 2 minutes until she was on my couch.
Sex followed by chicken and waffles... Hands down my favorite morning plans. Count me in.
Well you know I have tits so that's half the battle
So changing channels while she's on top is frowned upon. It's back to thinking about baseball again.
Randomize
