Your mom is more observant then Randy Newman.
I'm playing wingman, but I want to pull a Goose and die.
don't worry about the neighbors I'm like 99% sure all that snow covered a good portion of our vomit
her cat watched me eat her out... I would use the alternate term for both of those things but it's too weird.
remember to ask your mom about the name of her pet duck so we can name the bowl
I'm drunk on a monday night. Not a good start to finals week
Hey, I can't find my bed frame. Do you know who took it?
heres the thing, we have 120 cans of beer left in the fridge. until thats finished we cant fit food in the fridge
I have to sanitize my nipples and its just to cold in here for it to be ok
Summer bikini season begins today. I hereby declare the commencement of the 2013 HUNT FOR CUNT.
Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat dat dat dat dat ~uterus contraction~
I get off at 11. but they've been letting me go early cuz I've been crying a lot
I just turned down a booty call because I'm having a Star Wars movie marathon
You should of known that i was high if i refer to myself as melting into anything
its as if im in a choose your own adventure book. except im not the reader and someone else is choosing my fate...one awesome decision at a time.
Randomize
