god help us all. i just saw an infant wearing a onesie that said "i don't know who my daddy is"
Everytime I sleep with him he gives me another hint to what his tattoo means. I'm like a slutty Nancy Drew.
We've already decided our costumes for next Halloween. She's going as Cookie Monster and I'm going as Elmo. She's just going to ask for Oatmeal Cookie shots, and I'm asking for Red-Headed Slut shots.
Dude, its January.
We're going to do the voices too.
He said he was trying to live vicariously through me. I didn't have the heart to tell him that meant he was vicariously fucking his best friend.
You tried to put a condom on my dog, then he ate it.
A blow job from a tiger shark would still entail less risk to your genitals than having sex with her.
I just feel like everything is too perfect
He's probably a serial killer or chronic masturbator
Or both. Which is common
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
Who am I sleeping next to in your bed? Where are you? Also when are you coming home... I need coffee.
I have a half pound of weed, a case of beer, 8 frozen pizzas and a hard dick. You have a high tech super-bong and a chest of sex toys. That's our vacation week right there.
Omg have I shown you my skeezy ex fiancée?
The other one.
I made out with drunk Joe Dirt and then put his mullet wig on for him. True Halloween romance.
Only you could go on vacation to visit family and hook up with a pro NFL player from Tinder
I got my period during my acid trip. It was weird.
He expects a blow job at the movies but won’t pay for popcorn? Does he know it’s not 2017 anymore
Randomize
