There is a banner on a house by campus that says "welcome to college dads. Thanks for dropping off your daughters!"
I dont know whats worse: her telling me she was so drunk i was "almost sexy," the fact that even when theyre shitfaced, im just "almost sexy" to girls, or the fact that i wasnt that offended by it.
you screamed santa and jumped in front of 50 kids to tell him you wanted a bong for christmas.
It was only 12:11 and I needed to make a Pepto Latte and call it a night, I don't remember that being part of my new years resolution.
See this is what happens when we don't have sex everyday
What happens at the gay bar stays at the gay bar. Except that I sold my panties for $100. People should know that.
FONT CPME TO THE TRUK. I REPATE SONT COME TO THE TRUCK WERE GETTON FRAEKY
Do you have any pictures of me mounting animals that aren't on Facebook?
sometimes it's just necessary to be your own gyno when you're too afraid to tell your mom about your real life
he was like captain planet, but less blue and more nakeed
Also I feel I should tell you last night when I came home I fell into my laundry hamper and woke up in a pile of my clothes
I decided we werent gonna go for round 5 when he started trying to have a serious conversation about how blessed he is to have such a nice penis
He has a point, the man's penis is a legend.
You were leaning against a fire hydrant asking people if they wanted to buy free pocket peanuts from you.
You had blacked out Skype sex? Wow we live in the future
It's starting to get sad how I have this 'new beginning' feeling after every negative pregnancy test
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