What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
we went to the store to buy cookie dough and conditionally went straight towards the booze
It's 9:30am and I've already blown three loads. Reason #101 I love 25 year old girls.
I took my pants off in the cab and tried to bite his ear. Not going oout for awhile
But you wanna know what the sadest part is? I had to smoke on the way back home cause my mom would be suspicious if I wasn't high after I was supposedly hanging out with you.
I'm drinking with 3 chicks and 1 gay dude. 100% chance I'm getting laid and 75% chance I'll enjoy it.
explain the broken jalepenos in my underwear drawer?
What am I doing with my life
Sleeping with dudes who have peacocks apparently.
I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.
I'm using my ex bfs phone number to look up his Kroger card so I can get a discount on condoms...yep this is my life
Owwwww. Yeah. I can barely move unless Im high on vicodin. We are bad at drinking/balancing. We will be the first to break hips and have to go into a home.
I believe the question is can one ever have too many vibrators?
My parents are paying for my knee surgery for my birthday. What costume will look good on crutches for my Halloween Birthday?
Welcome to adulthood.
at what point last night did i get this tattoo of an anchor made of dicks?
around eleven
Literally just stood behind a guy in line at Walmart get his card declined when he attempted to purchase condoms. That's rock bottom.
Randomize
