I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
Please tell me you did not just serenade her with "Let's Get it On"?
Yeah I think it worked. My penis thanks you, Captain Morgan.
I don't know where I am, but its a Goosebumps novel waiting to happen.
I can't go out tonight I need to save my money for important things.....like rogaine and ecstasy.
i cant finish this easy-mac because i need it for a chaser.
we just made rock paper scissors into a drinking game
so whats your words to drink to for the state of the union? mine are 'change' 'fight' and 'you know'.
mine is 'the'.
Now that you're back together are you gonna tell him you set his stuff on fire?
I literally just wrote "I'm sorry" in my blue book, got up and walked out
I CAN CONTROL MY GERBIL WITH MY BREATH. HE FOLLOWS THE SMELL. PROBABLY WOULDNT BE AS EXCITING IF I WASNT HIGH OFF MY ASS, BUT STILL
Props to the guy blatantly doing coke in the bathroom at the bar. Walked out of the stall with a credit card in hand, sniffing loudly and shouting "choo choo"
I tried to open a bottle of wine with toenail clippers last night. So this morning was obviously rough.
Hold on, I'm taking nudes in a blanket fort right now
I can't dude. Last time I was there, I blew the bartender in the bathroom at last call.
She started waving a nerf rifle around and demanding free booze.
Randomize
