Who knew there were guys that wanted to only stalk you instead of date you? Count on me to find them!
how was that guy you hooked up with?
i used to think blowing a .05 was a good thing
He wanted me to blow him while he was playing guitar hero. there will not be a second date
I'm a terrible person. There are two guys speaking sign language on the metro platform and at first I thought they were drunk and doing a silly dance.
We just built a bong out of a pineapple. I am never leaving hawaii. Ever.
You kept tellin the cashier that this order was "To Go" over and over...even tho we were in the drive-thru
apparently they wrote a song entitled "butt slut" about her... im thinking shes not girlfriend material.
At least you got some premium homework time. Still drinking vodka from a coffee cup?
I switched to water. When the numbers get blurry you are no longer being productive.
We're gonna have screwdrivers in a cab at 4am?
Is that weird?
You'd be proud! I didn't lose my id this time... It got confiscated
If I get aids I am starting a lawsuit against snapchat.
Where the condoms are as broken as my dreams
I learned a valuable lesson about combining day drinking with malt liquor: you may think you have super powers, but that's just the Steel Reserve talking.
I knew how high you were when you put a french fry in your mouth and said 'fuck, this tastes like meat but feels blue.'
He was so traumatized by the It's a small world ride but he immediately pulled out a flask from god-knows-where and got drunk before the ride was over. The ride operator didn't blame him.
Randomize
