I thnk I just saw a monkey walking a drunk guy.
I knew I shouldn't have slept with her...my dick looks like a stegosaurus tail
His mom took away his car and made him quit his job.
HE'S 26!!!
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
stop bragging. last time i got laid i got double pink eye, and it was so not worth it
Do you think the neighbors will know I was the one giving out the penis shaped lollipops to the children?
Sounds good. I will just get tanked here and wear this batman mask.
Based off of the soaking wet clothes/towels/rugs, Eiffel Tower statue and monkey in the bathtub, I'm going to assume drunk me took a bath.
Are you really alive right now?
I just swallowed some ecstasy stuck in my nose from last night. Work should be interesting.
I blacked out at work again... Except this time my boss watched me throw up by the bus stop and some woman let me sleep on her shoulder for an hour. Why does this keep happening?
He threw a twenty at the stripper and asked for change
well did he get it
....yes
I woke up to both of you drawing on me in sharpie, unless a glorious threesome was had the night before that is not okay.
Who says it wasn't?
Don't forget to make sex 3rd on your calander
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
He gave me a box of cheez-its after sex, does that make me a hooker?
Randomize
