I wanna do crazy things to you in a tent
fuckk wrong person
.. who was that for? a girlscout?
Another night of drunkeness. Maybe I shouldn't have played death pong...
Didn't you just get a DUI last week?
Indeed I did but death didn't stop Jesus now did it
my mom heard me say 'don't squirt that at me' while me & him were in my room. She then decided to call my aunt and complain to her that she has the sluttiest daughter in town. she refused to believe me when i told her i was talking about gel.
I'm with your mom on this one.
OMG - This guy with a mullet just told me - it wasn't a mullet - but his hair dresser layered it wrong. It's so walmart in here. I hate you.
why is there a handicap sign in the bathtub and an exit sign in the kitchen?
lets deal with that after we figure out where i am
If I banged a coworker last night but didn't enjoy it can I put it down on my timesheet?
If I was there, I'd make you a vicodin spiked sandwich.
Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
I can't talk to her. I know entirely too much about her genitals to hold a conversation without mentioning them.
Omg do you remember last night you kept pointing to your vag asking who wants to play this like a fiddle hahaha
I probably should have waited until after the game to pity fuck him. You know, seeing as we lost.
I imagine my service panda will provide sufficient protection. At the very least it will be an irresistible cuddly distraction while I make good my escape.
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
Far be it from me to tell you where you store your dildos but from an interior decorating standpoint not fucking there
I'm texting you know although you won't get this until you wake up. the only reason you are strapped to your bed is because you were trying to fly out your window.
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