I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
He cant even get with danielle. Thats like striking out in t-ball
Made out with me girlfriend while she was peeing. all time high, or all time low?
Bro, i just sang journey's "dont stop beleavin" at mcdonalds. and the guy was sooo impressed he gave us free food. God i love america
I'm buying eyelash glue, salt, and limes. We know how tonight is ending.
I just watched her pee in a trashcan, im still probably going to fuck her, what does that say about my standards
I'm stoned entirely off resin. Licking my blankets. Merry Christmas. Jesus died for our sins. Yay Jesus. I love you.
Look, opening a Guinness with a steak knife and nearly cutting your finger off to make another carbomb is always a good idea.
He taped a champagne bottle to both his hands and called himself edward champagne hands. At one point he poured some on his lap and said " Just needed to make sure my dick got some too"
We shouldn't eat pizza in the pool
We r drinking tequila out a glass bottle and smoking weed underwater, pizzas the least of our concern
You know it's time to do the dishes when you take shots of water out of a sake glass...
And you wonder why you're always one of the guys?
If a marine in My bed is not considered a valid excuse for missing class then I don't want to live in America anymore
He better be a good lay, these underwear cost $50.
So I woke up this morning to find my laptop open, with a google search for "where to buy marble", and a hungover naked northern girl in my bed who told me that I claimed to be a sculptor last night and that I promised to sculpt a bust of her hands...
His bedroom is the preferred destination of MILFs, cougars, recent divorcees and sexually frustrated wives
His penis is my hero
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