Before you become official, we should get a hotel room and fuck our brains out. Sort of like a going away party for your penis.
My dealer threw in a "freestyle rap" today with my purchase. I dont know if I can handle this relationship.
Ended up at a lesbian bar and almost got stabbed in the eye with a dart. Weirdest bachelor party ever.
Potato salad is not cupcake ingredient
Thanks for coming to the hospital with me, In return, I will buy you ecstasy.
There was a sweat stain in the shape of a fast chick with low standard on your bathroom floor
Today is definitely a "stand over the toilet and pee through the opening at the bottom of my boxers" kind of day.
I guess the silver lining is that having a big dick really comes in handy when you're hungover.
It's a mixed blessing.
best eviction party ever.
it wasn't an eviction party you asshole, you just happened to get yourself evicted during the party.
Was i rolling around in a parking lot last night
Is this a Beer, Vodka or Whiskey kind of problem solving night? It's imperative I stock accordingly.
Questions like that are why I love you.
I'm high on the exercise bike at the gym. I feel like Lance Armstrong
so hungover. idk whos house or comp im on
Was not aware that standing loudly up off the couch and loudly, drunkenly slurring "I'M EIGHTEEN NOW BITCHES" counted as a primitive mating call.
I tried saying sorry but instead I puked down her shirt and tried to clean it up... Now I have a bruise on my forehead. good news, before she left she wrote her number on my stomach with sharpie
At some point i am going to say to you "i have this really bad idea! You in? " just go with it.
Randomize
