worms taste like bacon by the way.
I always wondered what they tasted like.
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
Do you think she's aware of my deep hatred or should I set her hair on fire in her sleep?
The last thing I remember is him grabbing my ass and telling me he knew where the jello shots were, so I followed him.
RIGHT?!?! I'M ACTUALLY UPSET I DON'T GET TO MAKE THE 2.3 MILE TREK TO SUCK HIS COCK, yes I google earthed it.
im that hungover where parking at red lights has to be done
my head feels like a yellow yolk spinning in a circle at the bottom of the bowl.. i may have a concussion, love auto correct
You know when you get a stripper pays your bail. You got good wood.
I learned that I order a bunch of dollar shots at the bar and once it's ready turned around and say "who wants pay?" And someone will pay
In other news: I massively over-caffeinated this morning. Everything is vibrating and I can SEE THROUGH TIME
WHO TURNS DOWNA FRESHLY WAXED VAGINA IN A MAIDS COSTUME LITERALLY LAYING IN YOUR BED
I have to tell him to stop eating me out so I'm not late for work; my life could be a lot worse.
I told him I wanted to fuck him and he hasn't texted me back in 4 days...am I missing something
I was just drinking but now I'm drinking and chasing with red bull. I call this "getting ready for work"
I was doing good, then they gave me free shots
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