I made out with a deaf person. Also I've been drunk 11 days in a row now.
I'm going to get a baby outfit made and send it to her that says: "My husband fucked his subordinate and all I got was another baby".
fyi, if youre wondering if offering a female police officer sexual favors will get you out of a ticket, the answer is no.
you are my new fav person for making him do the walk of shame in pink footie pajamas!
And on top of all this... he just told me to "chill my nips."
Thanks for sticking it out with old horseface last night... I owe you one buddy.
It wasn't until I took a shit, that I remembered that you assholes started spiking my shots with tobasco when I wasn't looking last night. Dicks.
He's just sitting there staring at my sisters teddy bear hoping it will come to life.
Please. That's just a patriotism boner. I watched Michael phelps win another medal and had to change my underwear.
So looks like I applied to adopt a dog last night. I'm completely ok with this
Hindsight: Dressing up in nothing but a bra, booty shorts, and police tape made for the most awkward walk of shame of my life.
It was so cute that he apologized for getting cum on my couch. If he realized how many guys had cum on that couch in the past year, he wouldn't have touched my vagina with a 10-ft pole.
Doing 9 month old dishes in my bath tub. These dishes literally had enough time to gestate a human child
You literally spelled every word wrong or with numbers except for "drunk", which you used all caps for.
I felt the need to accentuate it....
I got some blow and a hand job from one of the strippers. So I guess I'm getting over the divorce.
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