I'm sitting at the gyno watching cnn in the waiting room
Everyone is walking funny when they come out, ugh I'm not looking forward to this
If I've learned one thing today? Blow jobs get you to state championships.
Alright. Who did it? Who's bangin' the ump?
I've officially put my junk in foods from 5 of the 6 layers of the nutrition pyramid
My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
he was writing an apology letter to his liver in shakespearean english... That much fun...
I'm making tacos. Give me one good reason why we shouldn't be high while eating those tacos.
I'm legit concerned I might pass out this weekend from having too much sex.
Jumped in the kebab van and said he was Ultimate MasterChef. Incurred wrath of six angry Turks. I got free chips.
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
He tried to puke in the 14th hole and when I told him to stop he started chanting "hole in one hole in one"
Also cheers for the reminder to check last night's texts. It's been a magical adventure through drunk me's thought process.
At what point did you realize I was getting blown under the table during our dominos game?
The awkward moment when a lady ask you what kind of lipliner you're using, but really I have just finished eating hot cheetos.
I was just informed that I asked for a glass of wine at the police station
I'm sure it would have gone very well with the cigarette you lit there.
She deleted me on Facebook. I think it's safe to say that she knows I fucked him now.
Randomize
