Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
and he thought i came like four times in 2 mins. my leg just kept cramping up
so i was dancing to the glee soundtrack with highheels. i tripped. and the dildo fell on my face. i dont know what happened.
I felt weird they were both staring at me waiting for the scoop on how your vagina felt.
It's sore actually
The best part was that when I woke up, I poked her with my dick to wake her up, and said, "Hi, I'm Alex. Nice to meet you". Shoulda seen the look on her face. Priceless.
I have no idea how to attract men with my personality anymore. He can't see my tits via facebook chat
Nothing kills the mood when I am hooking up on the dance floor like the DJ saying Happy Valentines.
Hey fuck you and your taint. I'm just riding a canoe called life, back the fuck off. P.s. I need a ride
You are literally throwing a tangerine right now. Beer pong is not played this way
Dude, this guy showed up with a 40 and stayed for two days. I want that lack of responsibility
VOOOODKA VOOODKA WE PLEDGE OUR LOVE TO THEEEE VODKAAAA VODKAAAA SAVIOR OF LIBERTYYYY
Sometimes I wish I lived alone because there would be no one to judge me if I wanted to have whiskey and popcorn for breakfast.
Can we just talk about the fact that the last time I got laid I was wearing a Jurassic Park tshirt?
half way down the stairs my legs said fuck this and i just fell the rest of the way...
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