its been so long since i'vebeen laid i've forgotten what a penis looks like. When a guy makes me hot i picture him finishing the job by whipping a multi-setting showerhead out of his pants.
Don't park in the garage. I installed a stripper pole while drunk and it's kinda in the way
When you wake up in your dorm right outside your room with the key in the door, then you will understand my pain.
okay. so this hammed chick got arrested and she keeps trying to make out with the cop. i like her style.
I would like to apologize for my MANY attempts of trying to motor boat you.
He just broke up w his most recent gf again, wish I could message her and be like it's not you he's gay.
High school girls are buying me shots. This will not end well.
When I say I took advantage of you when you were drunk, I mean that I convinced you to let me paint cute little panda bears on all of your toenails.
Haha. I got you. I always pay you back somehow. Do you accept all major forms of payment: cash, taco bell, and patriotic underwear?
Can we talk about how i am holding a tupperware container of my own puke in the back of my grandparents car while my sister drives
You kept saying we got to find the end of the rainbow, which turned out to be a box of lucky charms and Guinness in the bag of cereal
He's hot and has an accent therefore you don't ask questions when he tells you to take your pants off.
Have you ever had to act sober and talk to an authority figure in a coconut bra? Because it is just as degrading as you would imagine.
We should leave before they realize I dumped a bowl of Fritos in your bag just in case I got hungry
You're supposed to discourage my sluttiness not bring me hot Colombian men
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