we were naked in his bed and he told me all about what a "baller" alexander the great was.
Is it bad that John just came to my work to have sex with me bc I felt bad that he slept on his porch last night locked out and I missed all his calls?
Some guy stole lobsters by hiding them in his pants. We should strive to be like him.
its like what part of i just threw up mcdonalds breakfast means i want to make out with you?
Monday morning margarita madness at ny house. Yes before wheel of fortune. Yes day drinking.
I waxed the left side of it and was in too much pain to do the right side so my crotch looks like cruella devil
Literally just one second of unclenched butt hole away from shitting my pants.
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
If you're still up for that roadtrip, I managed to end up in Louisiana and could use a ride home.
So you are wearing a heart monitor while drinking?
Yea, they said carry on with my everyday activity.
If I get a 4.0 I am doing SO much cocaine.
Can u pick me up? Lost my keys.
Sure. FYI- you "lost" them on the roof, trying to throw them over the house.
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
Sorry I drunk. I wouldn’t eat those pancakes. I think I put glitter in them.
We're hate flirting, damnit.
Randomize
