So I just almost came on my own face I had to dodge it as it was flying by...that was a first
i may or may not be hanging out with a boxer who has a daughter tonight. and he just spelled "honestly" like "onistly". He has prob taken a few too many hits to the head but he's hot at least.
Just found 2 diff. colored pubes in my underwear..new record.
I'm handcuffed to the toilet. Don't ask
To drunk to make oatmeal. I'm pouring it into my mouth and gargling it with beer. Ive made maple brown sugar bud light
Why is there a school picture of an 8 year old boy in my pocket...?
He's cheating on her.
Are you sure it wasn't her?
I have my glasses on, and as long as she didn't change her face in the past two months; its her.
dude to be honest with you there is a used condom that ive just left on my floor for three days
you have got to get your shit together
I'll never be able to have sex on these sheets. I'd have to cover up the eyes of every single Elmo.
You kept saying you we're gonna puke and wanted to steal my pants
That does not explain the remnants of a small fire in my bathtub.
I had not one but two drunk coworkers text me and hit on me tonight. I feel like I've finally been accepted into my dysfunctional workplace
You declared that afternoon sex will be referred to as "wet naps" from now on
He got hotter. I'm offended on behalf of the rest of our graduating year.
I figured you were on something. You're way too happy right now to be sober
She gave me a job then fed me cheesecake in bed. She's a keeper!
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