I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
I just followed a trail of feathers and glitter to class. Today better be fucking magical.
I wish you could buy pregnancy test at the liquor store, it's the only place I feel comfortable being a disgrace because I know they understand why it happened...
He came in asked for the bathroom and came out 10 minutes later dripping wet took his redbull and left.
You probably don't remember this but last night I bought you a lap dance from a stripper that had nipples that looked like runny eggs....you're welcome.
What do you think french fries on pizza would taste like?
i already know. Delicious. Use ranch.
Drunk cheerio confetti may seem like a brilliant idea when your drunk, but believe me, the next day, its a horrible, horrible mess.
My code for I need help will be if I'm holding a bud light lime..
You came home And decided to make beer battered bacon... That's why there was smoke
That is romantic
Well sometimes you just gotta put your dicks and pizzas together to show you care
Holy shit I'm 26! That took an embarrassingly long time to figure it out, I need to keep buyin weed from this kid
I told you for Halloween we just need to let the loins free! Let the girth come to us in a flock, drenched with passion!
she walked up to me at the bar, kissed me, andthen declared "I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU OR YOUR PENIS SINCE 2011."
We could never date. He doesn't drink and he won't bring me tacos after sex. He's on that healthy life bullshit.
dude kate found out i cheated and busted in while i was taking a shit. I was cornered, nothing i could do
so drinking tonight?
Be there in 15
Randomize
