"Not only do I bring a guy back to my hotel room....But I bring one back for my friend who's passed out drunk. Now that's what we call BESTfriends"
Just did a walk of shame dressed as a cowgirl and walked past his ex's entire sorority. Yippee kye aye, motherfucker.
Ive made peace with the fact that i will accomplish nothing except liver damage today
I think winning the long island race means you lose at life
Is your answer to that text seriously a right parenthesis
Just got a blow job while taking my online quiz. How is life in the dorms treating you?
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
Are you planning on wandering into construction sites drunk and falling down 6' holes?
probably
Your choices in alcohol this weekend are thoroughly disappointing
She broke up with me. I guess I was in the most chaste lesbian relationship in the history of the world and had no idea.
Saw the guy I once slept with, he was buying Beer and shit tone of diapers. Glad to see how 2016 will turn out.
Well I'm sorry I assumed you were a human and that humans have the capability to forget sometimes.
you could be the only one getting laid right now....yet your sitting in here making goat noises
If you had a good reason for throwing the toaster at the wall, now's a good time to tell someone. My parents are on their way back and you know my dad and his pop tarts.
everything I love is going to destroy me, so if coconuts are the answer, so be it.
Randomize
