I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
just found a beer in my hamper. even my laundry is a dirty alcoholic.
Speaking is such a hard concept right now
You are right. The scrape marks on her ass are from her breaking the doggy door by crawling through it.
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
Bad Decision October is in full swing. I was telling people that "I put on eye makeup today, I'm takin' a dude home with me!".
I got so stoned last night I thought I was in second grade again
I am naked in a blanket sprawled on my bed eating a pastry. This is all I want out of life. Ever.
I hate vagina strikes, but I must not stray from my path. My boyfriend will know the true meaning of blue balls.
Banged my ex-wife last night...so I belong to that club now.
We may not see eye-to-eye on much, but I'm definitely willing to let you see eye-to-vagina again.
"Where are you? Where are my keys? What is this guys name again? Why am I wearing two pairs of your pants?"
Nothing $200 worth of strippers and spicy fried chicken couldn't fix.
i just woke up to her giving me a toothy BJ so I had to break into your bedroom and steal about 4 condoms. Sorry for waking you. :(
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