Facials are how you say "I love you" in porn star.
You tried to tell me you weren't high while you were eating French onion dip out of the jar with a spoon
Dear vodka that I hid in a water bottle in the backseat of Blairs car, I'm sorry that she gave you away to a man on side of the road with an over heated engine. I'm sure the car doesn't appreciate you as much as I would have.
she was stripping to whiskey lullaby. most depressed boner.
I wish dancing around my house in my bra and underwear to Love Shack whilst eating strawberry cake batter was an acceptable form of exercise.
you closed your eyes and pointed to a cupboard..there was vodka on the top shelf. your sixth sense is amazing. plus, we convinced the foreign kid you're a booze whisperer
I feel so much better about my break up knowing that he's having his 26th birthday at Rollar kingdom\n
I'm at a restaurant. I am NOT about to discuss my asshole over the phone.
If God invented something better than rough, drunken, lesbian sex he kept that shit to himself.
I'm so high that hamburger just went up my nose. Mustard BURNS
party devolved into two exes battling with Cal's tiki torches, and the lawn being set on fire kinda sorta and then we all hula'ed... hulaed?
So I woke up really sad and then I looked in the cabinet and there was weed and now I'm not sad anymore
I finished OITNB and broke it off with my fuck buddy in the same day. It's going to be a rough week
Quickly hiding the condom wrappers, ropes, and handcuffs right before the parents arrive to help with moving out? Priceless.
A condom was pulled out of your vagina by a doctor today I do not think you can pull off "closet" hoe anymore
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