I murdered the dance floor call the cops
dude i dnt kno how, but i think theres a tampon in my butt
either she said she was feeling frisky or eating friskies..i was too drunk to understand.
We had literally Just finished having sex when he handed me a plan B and said he lied about wearing a condom.
I just had to dig under a pile of condoms in my desk drawer to get to a blue book. Summer is officially over.
So the drug dealer I'm sleeping with just got drugs from the other drug dealer I'm sleeping with
Isn't life beautiful?
I have a pocket in my purse that is just for condoms and cocktail swords. I feel like that speaks volumes about me as a person
If you find my purse on your yacht please call me - girl you slept with after yacht party
How do we have all these hot friends who we never do body shots off of
I think I just figured out how to make weed tea in the coffeemaker.
Saw two pregnant women at court today and I SWEAR one of them said "we had a threesome with this random guy and he got both of us pregnant."
I know how to kill a man with nutmeg and a sword. You in?
Or nah
Thought the acid was fake. Then my reflection didn't move when I did in the bathroom.
It happend again, swimming on the floor... Vodka is my friend
How's work going?
Boring. I have a cat on a leash right now
Randomize
