his text ended with ... everyone knows dot dot dot equals infer sexy time
Omg. It looks like a crack pipe exploded in your mouth.
she woke up, said "please dont tell me your name, i dont want to remember it"
i just spent 10 minutes talking to the lady who works at taco bell about my romantic situation.
vaguely remember the bartender stopping me outside last night so he could pull the duct tape out of my hair
She's good at three things and two of them involve dicks. And other one involves her love for arts
Man in California was arrested for killing and eating a wild bobcat while high on crystal meth. Let's please NEVER get that high on anything...
Walk of shaming dressed as a zombie hunter. This hangover feels like the actual apocalypse.
I found a video of myself completely naked on my phone giving a drunk tutorial on how to shit properly while blindfolded. Did you record it?
When you finally get laid, I shall make you a trophy out of dildos
it is my last wish that my tale be published posthumously as a warning to anyone thinking of eating burger king at nine am
Some rando guy literally just put my shoes on and tied them for me because I'm drunk... Is this what it feels like to be a princess?
My drug dealer bought me a book for Christmas. What a gentleman.
Who's the captain of your team? Captain Morgan as usual?
And me
Let this be a lesson to you, parmesan cheese crumbles are not a good substitute for coffee creamer, no matter how high you are
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