i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
The guy I was getting with last night took off his purity ring mid-sex and threw it across the room.
No vaginas are yucky and I don't think you're old enough to handle one yet
yeah, it's no longer just 'day drinking' when it's 5pm and you're knocking over fruit displays at fresh market
She keeps sending, "show me your elephant trunk."
could you please not use my mortar and pestal for its intended purpose? i just snorted cracked black pepper.
We have 24 days left before I leave for college and 21 condoms left in the stockpile. Are you up for the challenge?
On NPR this morning, farmers are feeding weed to pigs. The result: pot bacon. Life just got better.
Well, after emptying the contents of my stomach into a fucking rose bush, the only things moving through my digestive system are pills, coffee, and my own lip gloss. If that gives you any idea what kind of a day I'm having.
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
Killing two birds with one stone tonight: mastrabation meditation. Win win.
Power lunch with dad, pain pills and tequila shots. Dad does Monday hard.
He was basically a horny puppy - following me around all night and kept sticking his hand down my pants.
You have the perkiest tits in all of North America. You're fine.
they told me that it was glow in the dark and would make me magical. I was too drunk to say no. I woke up to a purple vagina.
its like a neon Im stupid as fuck sign
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