and then he said that some chick told him he danced like an epileptic on crystal meth. he then proceeded to demonstrate this statement, which i can testify is 100% accurate.
White boys cant dance....we did an empirical study
I just told the 2nd grade class leprechauns are the children of midgets.
Apparently she held up my head the entire 40 minutes, convincing the cab driver that I was okay
After New Year's Eve I will be hibernating my life away. Only wake me up for skiing, schnapps, and sex. In that order.
he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard.
Ive decided I'm sending thank you notes to all the bars for graduation.
In preparation for st patty's day I finally had a shamrock shake, and I invested in an app that will apparently keep me from drunkenly texting you pictures of my tits this weekend. Please let me know if you want to not be put on the "forbidden" list!
I drew you a picture of Jesus holding hands with Frida Kahlo as a token of my gratitude
This girl invited us back on the promise of weed and strudel...she delivered neither.
"There should be some kind of award for sleeping with your ex 9 times in 3 days."
We just banged and he's microwaving shrimp noodles and I'm eating tostitos alone in the dark this is why our relationship works
Clearly I was drunk when I met them I gave them a muffin. But they sure remembered me
It stopped being casual for me when I waxed my vagina for you
This is a hot dog holiday. I intend to do my part for the processed meat workers of this great union.
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