I'm gonna do things to you that will make the neighbors want to move.
We're like two naked peas in a sex pod.
You drank almost the entire bottle of everclear and wanted to walk around. I guess your best friends sister is a cop and you wanted her to arrest you like the lil wayne song.... so sorry dude.
My own mom unfriended me on Facebook.
Contrary to what I yelled at them last night, it turns out campus police CAN arrest people...
I probably shouldn't have followed up that rainbow sherbet with beef jerky. This is a whole new level of fat, even for me.
we used a swiffer mop as a stripper pole.
Going to have to start putting down newspaper if puking the bed is going to be a habit
He's the kind you'd bring home and you'd wake up and all your food would be half eaten on the kitchen floor and all your socks would be missing.
You told the cop you where the star of the Track team and tried to run away. So yeah, i'm not surprised.
Just woke up from an extremely erotic dream featuring Steve Buscemi. Now I can't sleep.
It is getting ridiculous, the elaborateness of the schemes I have to concoct so my suitemates don't know I'm pooping.
Have you ever gotten such awesome underwear you wish you didnt have to wear pants?
my personal favorite... An "I'm sorry you broke your finger and cant play sports for awhile" blowjob!
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
Randomize
