Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
Just because i have a masturbation problem doesnt mean you can put 20 photos of Jesus in my room.
never trust anyone who drives a pt cruiser.... write that down
you humped every kiosk in the store. then you asked for an application.
Great I'll forever be branded as gym slut at the new gym.
Almost just got kicked out of a bar because the locals spilled beer everywhere when we taught them to shotgun.
I think I sprained my soul last night
I really want to text him and congratulate him on having a bigger penis than the guy I dumped him for, but I thought that might be awkward...
He asked if he could pull one of my teeth "to remember me by"
I asked if I could borrow some condoms. She referred to herself as "a soup kitchen for whores".
Any recommendations for how to tell your wife about the pics of her 19 yr old sister on a porn site without admitting you were surfing said porn site?
he said didn't have much sexual experience and then proceeded to tell me he is going to make me cum harder than my vibrator could
well, that escalated quicky
Right, try not to commit a felony that costs more than 4 dollars cause that's all I have in my bail jar.
He said we had an hour long conversation about how awesome I was.
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