Holy wow, I found all the old poems u wrote me back when we were in looooooooove...just sort of wild to look back on, thought u'd like that
Best look from Detroit today: running across the street with your buttcheeks on display carrying a 40 oz. Or maybe being crazy-pregnant and screaming and slamming a pay phone. Toss up.
awkward like he asked me out for a "rest of the summer make out buddy" thing and I kind of had a female testicle retreat moment
i found literally half of a double sided dildo in my shower. i guess someone went home happy.
I hate when laundry day is determined by the number of cum stains on my bed
You got off, kissed my dick and whispered "stay hard" to it, puked and then got right back on top of me like nothing happened...
I fell asleep with my vibrator still in me. I am the Queen of Sad Masturbation.
He woke up in the ambulance thinking he was still in the club.
Any time you can't remember a night, and you wake up in a sorority house, it's fucking worth it.
You got called a pussy at a party with a slow cooker, you can't let that shit slide
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
I never thought I would have to get vodka suctioned out of my ear
YALL MOTHERFUCKERS WANNA WATCH HEAVY METAL AND SMOKE WEED AND PLAY POOL AND DRINK BEER AND SMOKE WEED
Hey I'm trying to get back with my ex I'mm done doing whatever we were doing I hope things workout for you
Weird flex but ok.
I just punched myself in the vagina to prove a point. Please pray for me.
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