$35 all you can drink last night. Friend 1 woke up in a hotel lounge, friend 2 pissed himself and woke up wearing friend 1's spare pants, and my toilet indicates I threw up extensively.
Someone shit on the floor
Of course im so fucked up sarah. I fight away tornadoes.
i asked him how he could stand the smell of skunk. his answer was "it smells like good weed"...
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
i think maybe i'll just not watch it. i'd rather not think of you as a magical transforming set of dick holes.
Things I just found under my covers: protein bar, string cheese, vibrator.
No teenage boy ever gets scared away from sex unless she is slipping a wedding ring on your finger or is killing your cat. I promise.
I think someone tried to make a huge bowl of ramen in my bathtub. There's noodles everywhere in my bathroom.
He called me saying he got nice rims for his car so now we can fuck in style
Like seriously, I would not be going if there wasn't pizza
I smell like cotton candy and guilt.
Oh, the accent alone guaranteed a bj. It was when he started drunkenly singing in PERFECT PITCH that I knew I was fucking him.
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
i just turned on my printer and found 10 pounds of german chocolate inside. i think i found where you hid your candy last night
Randomize
