you came home soaking wet, and when I asked where your umbrella was, you pulled it out of your bag and were so proud you kept it dry.
4pm on a Sunday....roomate fucking like a wildabeast while I have a organic chemistry study group in my kitchen.
just walk of shamed past a man riding a bike. RIDING A BIKE. what a wholesome life he must lead.
The only thing I remember is vomiting and then feeding my dog a Mcdonalds cheeseburger and telling him yolo
I ate her out for so long I might actually shit a vagina
I cannot believe this. A potential 2016 Olympiad wants my vag. To which I respond "GO FOR THE GOLD"
you have to be that girl in the audience holding up the sign that says i fucked the shit out of you
You kept asking her which dick pills worked the best. She's a grandmother.
Yup. Can I borrow your penis decanter for my Xmas party on Saturday
Dad had me doing shots of chocolate mint Everclear last night. I've never felt closer to him.
Is it bad that I feel proud to be the first one to puke in the apartment? And I did it in style?
You straight up painted the counter with steak, tequila and beer. You owe me a knew toothbrush.
bro i dont care how hot she was, you try keeping it up with the amount of puppet he had in her room, it was like fucking in jeff dunham's house
You know how I said I'd never worry about my roommate? Well I just walked in on her masturbating to Star Trek.
Did she boldly cum where no one has cum before?
And the sexual frustration is like I'm wearing a damn horcrux
Just got a handjob in the hospital
A new low.
My penis definitely considers my Captain Cock costume a success
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