final count. 18 beers. 4 shots baileys. 2 shots vodka. 1 glass champagne. vomited in the yard after losing my phone in a field for 8 hours. Possibly played tag with myself
Say what you want, but those Fraggle Rock DVDs have gotten me laid twice.
how are you shocked you fucked her? sure shes hot, but she also washed your beerpong balls in her mouth..... you should probably get tested.
Did you send me a snapchat of your sister triple kissing two other girls?!!! You might be the greatest friend the world ever made
i don't think i have enough personality to make it through this date sober.
I'm sorry you're hurting. Would a picture or my erect penis help?
He just jumped up off the couch, screamed "ITS OVER NINE THOUSAND!" And then attempted to fly out the window like a bird. I don't know nor do I care to know what just happened
Do you think my laundromat will notice that the bloodstain on my sheets is in the shape of a face?
Why are my jeans soaking wet and smell like chlorine??
Bc u told a stranger in the hotel "I have sinned' and made him get into the hotel fountain and "baptize u". I've got a vid
Her name was Danica but I felt like it would be hard to say drunk so I called her Shelby
OF COURSE I FUCKED HIM! Did you not read the part about him having red and green Christmas condoms?
I'm not totally useless... You can use me as an example of what not to do
It's three am. I'm drunk in a stairwell in Vegas. My flight leaves at six. Help.
I have two choices: tits or tacos. I just can't decide.
The whole country is going to hell in a handbasket but I got a grade A fucking and don't particularly care.
Randomize
