There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
just went onto Yahoo and the featured article had a picture of one of the Jonas brothers. last two times the featured article was a celebrity's face the headline was "Michael Jackson is Dead" and "Pitchman Billy Mays is Dead" so naturally I got a little excited. Turns out he's just engaged. Who gives a fuck.
Just ate lunch with a paperclip again. Seriously, need to invest in plastic forks.
i don't think they understood the house was collapsing. they kept dancing and jumping and asking for more cups.
TO ALL WHO WERE IN MY HOUSE LAST NIGHT: WHOEVER STOLE MY BONG AND PUT IT ON THE ROOF WILL BE PAYING MY HOSPITAL BILL FROM LAST NIGHT.. AND BUYING ME A NEW, SWEETER BONG.
Tried to dodge fire in poncho. Fell through fence. Blood everywhere.
I am sending my doctor an XXXMas card thanking him for my tits!
Some girl took her panties off, soaked them in vodka and wrung them out into a line of guys' mouths! Awesome!
No, NOT awesome. Where the fuck do you go drinking!?!
Now when you said you'd never sleep with me, did you really mean never on a Monday or never without handcuffs or a blindfold or never on a airplane or never without lots of booze? Cus never is a pretty strong word.
Dude, he wouldn't have sex with me during halftime cause we were rooting for different teams and that would be "bad juju", I had to settle for 69.
Her parents are celebrating she found someone so well endowed.
Will there be champagne when they see the pay check?
I jizzed in his mayonnaise and put it back in the fridge. Shouldn't have stolen my weed.
Hey so I got my period
Thank god I wasn't ready to deal with sober you for 9 months
Just paid for birth control in all ones do you think she is judging me?
You and I both know it takes more than prescription narcotics to keep our family down. See you around ten, brother.
Randomize
