I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
I just went through her cupboards. Eye patch and sword. nowhere near each other. different shelfs.
I have found the one flaw to the great pride I took as a guy to not have to sit down to pee...having to sneeze while peeing.
I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
He's playing farmville on his phone while puking over the toilet..
everyone at work keeps looking at me like they know I got the herp this weekend
jen just told me ur idea of revenge was saluting while letting his bong float away while attached to some balloons.
you take my contact solution?
drank it last night then filled it with brandy for the plane ride.
my goal for the rest of college is to escape STD free. fuck getting a job. this is more important.
Well I'm in a stranger's bed.
Gotta leave to watch the Lions
I will consider it. I need to determine if ogling him is worth almost certain death via zipline.
Honestly after an incomprehensible political rant yoga seems like the best option at 2 am
You still owe me one bodily function mess clean up.
You pee on the floor one time and you never hear the end of it...
Why is there an inflatable flamingo in the backseat of my car?
Thank god you don't know my other address I'm safe for now
Awww you know you would like it if I found u
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