Come get meeee. I'm stranded in the middle of no where with Paul (?). I think u puked on his friend.
I've realized that you're the only friend i can rely on to drink with me any given day. i thank you for that.
did you by any chance leave me that 7 minute long voicemail of you running and constantly tripping into bushes?
No, not normal drunk. Wake up on a trampoline with a naked chick you've never seen before drunk. I think i missed my first trampoline sex...
Winner winner, chicken dinner. I am the sole survivor of the orgy without strep. Or maybe I was the carrier?
She said "I've been waiting to suck your cock since high school." I'm so glad so many freshmen are from our school.
We got hammered last night and I woke up this morning with texts from 'iron maiden chick.' wtf?
I just came so hard my hamstring felt like it was going to tear. I am also now a screamer
His cat watched us the ENTIRE time. Every time I glanced over the poor kitty looked at me as if I were pelvic thrusting her father to death.
The cop said he like my hair today. Please explain all other interactions with law enforcement, k thanks
I never saw such an emotional argument over yellow vs. spicy mustard.
So I ate half a jar of mayo because I thought it would cure a hangover. I thought wrong.
When you didn't respond I figured you must be busy so I'm home in my pj's 2 beers in and stoned from weed I got from my gaybours. They also gave me cake. I'm not moving from this recliner.
Being an adult can't be all bad. I just took a vacation day solely to sit around and get stoned
My thoughts mid terrible hookup: do people normally read a magazine right about now?
Randomize
