Okay just took the preggers test..and im NOT! :)
awesome babe! drinks tonight!
Wait does the happy face mean yes? fuck.
I woke up with fried rice in my sweatshirt pocket came downstairs and found all the chicken in the fridge gone. I'm THAT roommate aren't I?
She's thinkin about havin beer pong at her reception... She's walkin a fine line between trashy and the best idea ever
There's an australian, my relationship has no hope.
i will trade you pizza and a blowjob for a fifth of vodka.
do i get to eat the pizza while you give me the blowjob?
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
Your subconscious sucks. Mine is awesome. I have a recurring dream where I manage a chocolate factory run by big titted hookers.
A) you're a liar. B) that would be awesome.
So I'm at that stage in my life where I am stalking my stalker just to get laid
she just stared at nothing and then looked at me and goes, "that's a weird place to put the wall"
Who am I sleeping next to in your bed? Where are you? Also when are you coming home... I need coffee.
You could be a whistle.. And just ask bitches if they want to blow you all night
Partying with my eighth grade history teacher I know you're jealous
Tomorrow is my bachelor party. If I die tomorrow, please know I graded you a "check" as a sister. "Check-minus" when you got mouthy.
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
Right after i got done cumming i sat back and gave a big Ric Flair "WOOOOOO!"
Randomize
