I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
they just came back. i guess "were gonna go get dinner" means "were gonna fuck for 5 minutes at the little league field"
What I lack in compassion I make up for in lack of compassion
He said he got a lot of action last night. I asked how much? And he said he got to see down her shirt. Freshmen never cease to amaze me.
Just watched the couple I sit for and 4 of their friends shotgun beers like college kids. Please let this be us when we get older.
talk of her extensive whoreness has crossed oceans. thats impressive.
This does no justice to the amount of paint I'm covered in or the amount of balls I'm tripping.
Slowly realizing that my only incentive to bathe is shower beer
Please note: when a bouncer tells you to leave, pointing out that their career path makes them a much better judge what to do will not make you friends
I renamed his cat Jeff last night. Well I spray painted it on him.
Add caroling to the list of things we need to do in an elevator
You were convinced you would hurt my car if you opened the door. Then you barfed in the pretzle bucket Peter gave you
Trust me. My dick only does selfies for you.
So the girl I met at the bar last night came home with me. Played with my puppy. And left.
There is a guy down by the river wearing a zebra print speedo and a sombrero, with a beer in each hand, screaming "This is America bitches!"
Randomize
