Im starting to think including a smiley face in texts may or may not be a code for 'lets have sex'
Im going to research this theory. . .
she took out her dip, threw up, and put it back in. it was like a scene from Nick and Nora's trip to the trailer park.
I knew I shouldn't have slept with her...my dick looks like a stegosaurus tail
I don't remember coming home but there is cereal EVERYWHERE
I think I ruined Robin and Mikes anniversary. I walked in on them fucking, accidentally broke the necklace he gave her, and I stole the keg from their party. Not in that order
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
He came home all fucked up crying slammed his bedroom door and all we could hear for about three hours was THIS ISN'T GONA RUIN MYLIFe what happend
I told him I got this chick pregnant and he has to get a new wingman
Fyi: beer caps are stronger then bathroom counters
Drinking loves me for WHO I am
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
I did my patriotic duty. I woke up next to a veteran this morning.
Found her grinding on my boss with her tongue down her throat last night. Guess who just got promoted!
sometime during the night he found me in the empty hotttub singing marvins room in only my bra.
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
I'm wearing men's underwear
I don't know what to do with that information...
Randomize
