I want to touch your soul through your body...with my penis...
Mike i'm at church right now...
TXT her NOW! The phone is actually IN her Va-Jay-Jay!!
I may or may not be drunk driving a golf cart. Vegaaaassssssss.
I almost punched the night nurse in her face. I woke up and she was standing over me.
He tried to give me a shoulder massage while i peed in the neighbors bushes to "make it more relaxing."... I let him... That drunk
If there's so much of a hint of a whisper from somebody I didn't tell personally, I will cut off your balls with a chainsaw, cauterize the wound with a flaming rusty spoon, feed your balls to your dog, and feed them to you when he shits them out, capiche?
I'm going home because your Crackraptor step-brother tried getting his nasty meat hawks in my pants last night.
I dunno. We kind of want to have a hippie communing with nature type break. But because we're such alcoholics I feel like we'll just be wasted the whole time in addition to hugging trees and shit
When one of my seniors asked "Rough night?" I realized my poor decisions involving Tuesday night drinking did not go unnoticed.
totally just stole a 24 pack straight out of the miller truck
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
also I was promised more toga parties by popular media
I told my dad that he was in a band and he was all like " good job" and then he looked up the band and listened to their music and just went " oh have you disappointed me"
I guess I was running around slapping people in the face with a slice of turkey telling them that the only way to beat alcohol addiction is to go cold turkey.
Things change once you put a ring on it. 5 years ago if I had morning wood she would have gone nympho on that. Now I am just lucky if she touches it rolling when we sleep.
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