Moved my bed either I'm a whore or every guy I have ever slept with hid condom wrappers under my bed
just saw a girl come out of the tanning bed room on crutches, now thats determination
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
i just saw that homeless guy who dresses like the cat in the hat at the liquor store. i guess he got enough change to have a good weekend. oh the places he'll go
she was talking at me constantly for like 20mins. i kept praying for a brain hernia but it kept not happening...
I just wanted to clarify that I am not bisexual and had no intentions of ACTUALLY penetrating my roommate with a can of bugspray.
We need to get sombreros so I can give them to strippers.
So i think i'm going to frame my summons tickets and give them to dad as a christmas present...
You wore a man's plastic top hat last night.
No I didn't. Whiskey did.
Dude. My knees have no hair on them and they're bruised. My thigh is killing me. I have about 1000 texts to about 5 exes which I horribly regret. I have pictures of my own penis on my phone. I can't find my iPad. And I have work in an hour.
I need a light and a towel. ive got cum in places ive never had cum before.
And I am bleeding like slutty girl #1 In a horror movie
Emojis can't explain what he felt when that ass dropped
So.. I was kinda upset i got the bad fuck out of the situation
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