after a few more beers I realized that both my wife and I like Latin men.
my dad just walked in on my jacking off and all he had to say was "I thought you were bigger than that".... thanks dad.
walking in back of a girl wearing booty shorts, a halter and a bracelet that says trainwreck. I don't get it. The first day of nice weather and all the whores come out, are they like hibernating bears or something?
I literally have been drunk for three days entirely by myself, the world cup may kill me
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
Nothing like buying a handle and a 36 pack with a baby strapped on.
sooo what's the appropriate music to listen to after you find out the dude you been fucking, is legit married with kids...what genre is that?
I caught her walking around with a fake mustache, wearing a sombrero and holding an empty carton of milk. She's a hopeless cause.
MY MOM IS GOING TO SMOKE WITH ME.
SHE'S GOING TO SMOKE HIGH QUALITY MARIJUANA WITH ME.
I'm the one on the patio wearing underwear. Holding a pipe. Pigtail and glasses. Can't miss me.
We were fucking in the boat on the lake when another boat saw us and honked their appreciation.
Really this has to stop, if they get any younger we will be breaking the law
I was masturbating and a roofer walked past my bedroom window.
I think i should either cut my hair or buy a dildo.
So, I almost went hone with a French guy and a drag queen. Together. Then I became sober enough to realize, that's not my style.
Randomize
