How is it that lesbians won't hit on me at a gay club, but they'll hit on me every time I go to Walmart?
You sucked the drug dealers dick for a 20 of coke...?
Nooo, I payed for that. I sucked his dick because I had an urge.
I feel like my teeth are sweating.
googling pictures of Lindsey Lohan so that I know what to wear to court is definitely a low point in my life
I know how to make vodka btw in case you want to come over and do a science project
we came into the house to find you doing shots by your self and when we told you to stop you locked yourself in the bathroom...
did I at least say anything...
you meowed at us and said you're a cat and cats drink for a living
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
Regret, thy taste is box wine.
He says I vaguely mumbled happy New year, kissed him, threw up and then went back to sleep.
I was driving around a golf cart with a keg in the back before I got caught by the cops. First slow speed chase ever
I told him he could fuck me in his Notre Dame jersey if they won and he never texted back. What is this world coming to
I mean, if you want to light yourself on fire for maximum accuracy, far be it from me to stop you
i cant hook up i'm covered in egg rolls
My dad accidentally texted me asking if I had weed...
Maybe you should say yes, and you guys can like bond or something...
Btw I thought it was impossible to use up 48 bottles of patron in one night but I was wrong...
Randomize
