My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
Same, I didn't even get to be tarzan this summer
i havent thrown up in four monthes, im clearly not drinking enough
So many tools at one table, you'd enjoy my italian family
you finished all 5 burgers, started crying tears of joy, and then claimed the tears were actually just 'meat sweats' from your eyes
According to google history I spent most of last night trying to buy an elephant.
They are currently going door-to-door asking the neighbors to donate money for Cheez-Its and gift wrap. They asked me to stay back at the house to make another pitcher of margaritas.
Sarah likes to play this game where she leaves her thongs at every party. she hides them where hopefully gf's will find them. I caught her naked from the waste down in my freezer this morning
i just sent him like 8 different sexts and he texted me back about how good the hummus is that i left in his fridge.
i understand you have values and thats awesome, all i want to help you do is forget about them breifly
Dude you couldnt even talk, you just kept hiccuping and slamming your head on the wall.
All i remember is you yelling at a stop sign and the rest is a blur
Watching my ex make out with another girl is weird.
But she's wearing a jumpsuit so I feel better.
I'm sorry I couldn't bail you out, apparenty they dont take credit cards over the phone. Did you at least make any friends in jail?
Just deepthroated a hot dog. Thinking of you
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