That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
Dude you called me last night to let me listen to you piss in a cup and drink it. Just making sure you survived
No. Do you know how much this carpet cost? If she comes over, you put down towels this time. i'm so not kidding.
I think that's the first time I've heard someone say "this is the safest way of doing things" while holding half a gallon of jagermeister
It would have been the trifecta of dick for her.
After we were done the second time she turned to me and called me a Hardcore Armadillo. Also, her O face involves crossed eyes. You tell me.
Reunion weekend was a success. Had 3 ex's inside my vag. Hat trick!
I just closed two deals on my laptop from my bathroom while smoking a bowl, like a bawssss. Working from home is my favorite.
the last time I drank tequila I ended up riding your skateboard nude down the street... so yeah, I'll have a few shots.
I'm getting a collar when he gets back in to town! That's like the bdsm equivalent of getting his class ring!
And then he dove into my vagina like scrooge mcduck into a room of gold
That tingly feeling you're experiencing in your lady parts is my mustache. All the ladies of America are waking up feeling the same thing. You're welcome.
I'm eating lunchables with a glass of wine while I FaceTime the guy I lost my virginity to.
where will you be at 9:30 tonight?
piledriving you in your roommate's bed?
I woke up with masking tape on my nipples this morning........... WHY DO BAD THINGS HAPPEN TO GOOD PEOPLE
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