This guy told us that for a dollar and two cigarettes he'd let Megan stomp on his crotch. We were gonna refuse, but we figured someone had to keep him from passing his stupid genes along.
i would totally switch to progressive if they'd let me bang that girl in the commercial.
We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
there's a wrestler here in a Ferrari//puma hoodie who is telling girls his win//loss record as a pickup line.
If you can't find your cat in the morning it's cause i put him in the laundry basket and then put the laundry basket in the shower.
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
I have nothing to say for myself. When 2chainz comes on at the bar all bets are off.
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
Going to the ER, I'll explain later but apparently drunk me isn't allergic to peanut butter.
How the fuck can he download so much porn but not know how to find the Skype app?
Well in other news, my nipples are healing pretty well but next time I get drunk and decide to pierce something please for the love of god stop me!
there's a giant awkward home-wrecking elephant in the room. and its name is meg.
like, there were so many other better not terrible choices you could have made, so i'm honestly baffled that you managed to fuck up that bad
What's the weirdest place you've ever had sex?
I don't think you're psychologically prepared for this conversation.
Randomize
