I just got stood up by an 18 yr old. fmylife.
Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
i got a mint flavored condom from wellness day...im kind of tempted to taste it
based on the size of her vibrator, i'm going to be a huge disappointment
The words "my birth control fell out" should never be spoken
I've never seen so many strippers at a funeral...
For some reason I knew you were going to smell like strippers and burritos when I hugged you.
He said he forgot to take his shoes off, and that he was a bad boy because he was walking on the carpet. Then he sang. Then he shouted "I'M STILL FORGETTING."
There's a certain level of slut that i can handle.... I think she just broke that scale
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
Just got a free shot w my beer...it's not quite 11am yet...I love international travel. These people aren't judgmental.
I am alternating between eating dry cheerios and mint chocolate chip ice cream with a fork. Please love me because no one else will
He said I have a comfortable vagina. What does that even mean?
Punched myself in the face trying to open a bottle of Vicodin one handed. Night is going well.
What does "mood AF" mean?
Mood as fuck.
Why did you comment that on a video of a gorilla throwing its own shit?
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