Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
Do u think she knows her nickname is the oompa loompa
I got drunk and applied for two credit cards last night. About to find out if anyone in this world is still dumb enough to give me credit.
I hit her tiny dog with a horseshoe an hour ago. Her and her mom cried as it laid on the ground shaking. Im drunk.
Lesson learned. Never get fingered on an airplane.
I'm eating cheerios out of the palm of my hand while I pee with the door open. Is this adulthood?
I just think that exercising will really get in the way of my painkiller induced nap time rituals. There's gotta be a better way.
I really have a thing for Greek chicks; I feel like while we are having sex she has the ability to make hummus which is just too appealing for me to pass up.
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
How are you supposed to wish the guy you send nudes to good luck for the first day of his new job??
The magnum condom fits. I feel like a manly version of cinderella
Soo are you just gonna poop in my bathtub and not talk to me anymore...?
you said you were the change fairy and you kept throwing all of your quarters at me.
Just used a NyQuil cup to take a shot. This night is headed nowhere good.
And the you walked in and said to the only under age dude "IM NOT SLEEPING WITH YOU TONIGHT!!!" You may not have high standards but thanks for not sleeping with my brother!
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