My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
I opened up her dishwasher and all I found was a spoon, a juice glass and all her sex toys.
Then all the boys were saying that they were amazed at how much i could smoke...i'm so proud of myself
We're like two naked peas in a sex pod.
guy in the car over is getting some terrible road head. he just gave me a thumbs down when he noticed i was watching.
the tile , carpet , walls , cabinets , even the ceiling ... there is Jello everywhere
it was your idea to have indoor Jello wrestling man
I found him CRAWLING across the garden. He saw me,smiled,and asked for a napkin.
and then you seriously asked him to senior prom..which freaked him out since you told him earlier you were 22
When you passed out on the kitchen counter she brushed and flossed your teeth, then carried/dragged you to bed. Why aren't you married?
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.
When breakfast is a rum &coke at the office Christmas party you know it's gonna be a good day
My dog and I just went outside to pee together.
You invited these random guys into your apartment that you met in the hallway...& then you started screaming at them to get out cause you didn't know who they were.
We already gave up cheese, how are we supposed to give up coke?
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