I'm single ladies-ing it in my kitchen alone. after I just made an intense new breakup cd and before I drown my sorrows by marinating alone in my jacuzzi later. I cant tell if this is a new low or a new high
just read twilight to her over the phone, while in the bathtub, candlelight...i'd love to say no homo but that was so gay.
I came out of bedroom with my jeans on backwards, zipped AND buttoned. I have inconceivable talents whilst intoxicated.
There is a bruise on my cock the size of a golfball. Bad sign.
I am telling you that nothing wakes you up like stomach acid exiting your nostrils at 10AM
i want you to know that after i type the word "your" , vagina is next on my auto correct text
I have officially made out with every girl you've made out with, even the random you met on the Mexico flight
... I threw up in the shower this morning
You were "I'm not drunk" drunk.
I was feeling sad so bedroom vodka seemed like the best solution at the time.
trust me, you don't know shame until you're in a peacock costume getting CPR by random dudes
hey dude, just got with the girl in H4. so mark H off the apartment list
haha we are half through our lease and already checked off 17 letters
I'm watching Pretty Woman alone and weaving a basket for Fiona. This is my life.
My alarm went off and I went straight for your dick. That's dedication.
What good is being a girl if you can't terrorize boys with pregnancy scares??
I seriously doubt this is the first time pumpkin pie has led to a booty call.
Tbh.. I hope he still watches our sex tapes so he can be reminded of what he's missing out
Randomize
