god, you should never be in the FBI. you'd give away america's secrets to any boy who asked.
i need a lesbian romance or unplanned pregnancy for some spicein my life.
I wonder if Barack Obama has ever been this drunk.
Problem: At home sick with a stomach virus. Solution: smoke weed all day...
Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
I full on slapped a girl with pizza. Like in the face with sauce splattered everywhere and grease with a hard slap to the face.
I have to keep checking she's breathing. This is why we don't drink on Sundays
it's been dubbed the summer of antibiotics
my drunken justification for peeing in her closet was that her shoes were ugly
stop calling me dude. finger blasting me officially kills you being able to call me dude.
We did hand stand push-ups while beer bonging. Its now a thing
So to add to headbutting the microwave while waiting for my hot pockets to cook. I apparently told both bartenders earlier in the night I was going to fuck them both. I hate black out drunk me..
No more twerking this week. I think I dislocated a boob.
I was alternating between saying "yall need Jesus" and "God bless" the entire night
He walked around my apt complex completely naked and started peeing in the maintenance because he thought it was the bathroom. So yeah, pretty drunk.
Randomize
