So I'm stoned for 420, and have an eye doctor appointment in fifteen minutes
Are your eyes okay
I mean if I was Asian they would be
Maybe I'll tuck it in and pretend to be a woman pretending to be a man that is attracted to women that are attracted to women who look like men
Last night I saw a drag queen take a shot of Red Hot that was soaked into a tampon. I fucking love my life!
ew. I made a sandwich, and the cheese reminded me of her vagina
for future reference mormans are hard to crack but they give fucking amazing hand jobs.
could you please not use my mortar and pestal for its intended purpose? i just snorted cracked black pepper.
It was all going great until he pulled the hamburger meat out of his pocket
There's still helium in the tank I found in the garbage outside the bar!
She sneezed like 10 times, put her head down on the table and then laid down on their couch and fell asleep. In the middle of the dominoes game. I'll never understand why my dad continues to provide my mom wine.
I feel I must have sex with him first to fully decide where my vagina belongs.
So when's a good time this week to show up at your apartment in nothing but a trench coat and a bow? Y'know. Hypothetically.
Well my unnaturally hairy chest finally came in handy. It took at least an hour to shave the american flag into my chest but I definitely went America all over that party
Tight. Want to get up, make coffee, sit on separate couches and silently read our mobile devices together?
Why in the hell is there a guy dressed up as a horse passed out in our kitchen.
happy birthday!
Donated a pint of blood at 6 and pub crawl started at 7. Thank your lucky stars I'm still alive today.
Randomize
