the condom got lost in my hair
I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
found a half eaten roll befind my toilet today. my birthday just keeps popping up.
Ed's in which sucks about a thousand cocks... But thats 1800 less than working with Alex so it's gonna be a good day
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
He SHOWED UP to the party wearing one shoe and a dinosaur hat. He kept lifting up his shirt and asking people to bite his nipple.
I don't care who you bring as long as they are fun and not a cop
Not a problem, sailor. I speak both autocorrect and typo.
I was out of breath when we were getting started and he offered me his inhaler so he's a keeper
That means I have to put pants on. That is not something I am willing to do right now.
its a recording of you guys having sex?!
its actually 30 minutes of him begging and then 2 minutes of sex.
Even if they did assume we were doing kinky shit, it's not like they're gonna be like, "HALT SATAN! INTAKE SOME JESUS AND VOMIT YOUR SINS!"
Ya, It's probably because whenever I close my eyes I see a kitten playing a banjo.
I HATE BEING THIS HIGH FML IT'S LIKE I'M MAKING UP FOR ALL THE 4:20S I DIDNT DO ALL AT ONCE
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