Very drunk. laura says hi. i can't find my pants. i think i'm in philly, but it might be jersey somewhere
He was dressed in cheap leather and smelled like death.
im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
but what if he tries to talk dirty to me with the lisp?
I don't know what kind of soup they made, but it smells like condoms.
The ranger made you choose between a ticket and pouring all the beer out since it was a state park.
I've never seen you that close to tears as you poured out 30 beers.
I stood on the corner waiting to be picked up, dry heaving, and trying to block out the sun.
Awkward is sitting in your parking spot and making eye contact with every one of your next door neighbors two hours before you have a threesome.
We work out, have really intense sex, and then eat cereal marketed for children. We have a system, okay?
After the apocalypse all we'll have is vodka and twinkles.
I'm way too sober and people are way too heterosexual
Just watched someone fail a field sobriety test. Miserably. At 4:50p. I think it's my future husband
God bless him
Yes please. My parents would fucking love him and I'd love fucking him. That's a win-win if I've ever seen one.
I walked into your room and you were wearing party beads, a foam finger, and reading the dictionary. Good night?
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
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