WTF I just almost got ran over by a fucking cop!!!!!!
LOL you shoulda thrown yourself in front for money. Fucking cops!
hahah your definitly as dumb as I think I thought you are. boom roasted.
my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
I'm cleaning the house. And I can't stop listening to Enrique Iglesias. Am I gay?
I even have the new album if that helps you make a decision.
Let's just say for some reason we thought it was okay to make a burrito smoothie.
I got him a footlong to apologize for trying to push him off a balcony...
The paramedics came back to shotgun beers with us.
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
HURRY. I NEED DRUNK. MORE DRUNK.
Uhm after 8 I don't recall anything. All I know is there's a picture of me playing pong with my grandmother.
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
I might volunteer to give breath samples on the 17th where I would be required to get drunk and then give samples! THE POLICE WOULD PAY ME AND PROVIDE THE ALCOHOL!
don't give me stepladders when i'm stoned.. i woke up to a slice of balogna nailed to the ceiling
Just please try not to piss Danny off, I really can't afford to find a new drug dealer again
Dude if I had a dollar for everytime she asked me to do weird shit with her when we were fucking I'd have like 4$
Randomize
