this girl ate taco bell on my bed naked last night, it was the sexiest thing ive ever seen
I just saw what sperm look like swimming around. I'm not happy with what you've put in my stomach.
Woke up in a closet. I'm not drinking till summer.
Also I may have a condom stuck inside me, but I won`t know til I check the couch coushions.
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
I think he's speaking German to me now
Nevermind, he's just drunk and not texting properly
I dunno. We kind of want to have a hippie communing with nature type break. But because we're such alcoholics I feel like we'll just be wasted the whole time in addition to hugging trees and shit
The night got interesting when the random guy next to us handed us a bottle of champagne and the rest of his ciroc bottle. When we asked why he did it, he proceeded to point at his friend who face planted the floor.
You were passed out by the toliet and when i said i had to pee you told me to piss in the sink. Never has a girl with alcohol poisoning been so rude.
Did I put a bunch of spaghetti on you and then eat it off?!?
That you did
I can check masterbating in China off the bucket list.
On a scale from 1 to 10 how gross is it to get a chili dog from a vending machine?
The only words we could get out of him as he stared catatonically into space were "Everyone I know and love is dead"
YOU FUCKED THE DARE INSTRUCTOR DIDN'T YOU?
Like Napoleon Dynamite?
Exactly like Napoleon Dynamite
But with bacon.
Randomize
