I just realized i haven't had sex in 2009. oh man thats embarrassing.
We had to put his head at the bottom of the driveway so the puke would run down. Now he's sleeping outside.
I just shaved my vag with a razor my dad left when he was here a few months ago. Too hungover to think about the Freudian connotations
I bought a dress specifically for face plant durability... this is how serious I am about my drunk status this weekend
She didn't talk for 45 minutes. We finally convinced her to open her mouth. There was a flower in there.
and if my full six pack comes in by Halloween there is no stopping the man slut costume. I have no shame
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
the last thing i remember was the norwegian kid tacking a bag of wine to the ceiling, then boom! shower drain.
And that is why we dont do tequila shooters at 1 in the afternoon. Because you go home with a beast like that
Didn't know where your dishes went. Put em in the bathtub. They're stacked taller than you. It's like modern art.
this is the last time i am going to a 7am booty call
I am rewearing my dress from last night. I only wore it for like two hours before fucking. And I took it off first so no cock contact. This is my new standard of cleanliness.
sorry for any reference made toward your boobs or making you feel pregnant or incapable of peeing. make it a wonderful day.
DRUNK COOKIES
Are you drunk or are the cookies drunk or are these cookies that get you drunk?
Yes
I swear I'm an adult. I say as I send my mom to go find me green lucky charms and lady gaga oreos
Randomize