look no pants
Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
It has come to my attention that I should apologize for myself and my friends
if by 'bottleservice' you mean 'bringing beers in my purse' then yes, we are.
i had to apologize to my friends for being friends with me
It was all going great until he pulled the hamburger meat out of his pocket
After they flagged you, you hid in a bathroom stall and text me to bring you more shots. That kind of drunk.
Cry into your wine glass and then drink the tears, it's like the fountain of youth
I have a theory that years from now they will be with women who despise me because of what I trained their husbands to like.
I hate to stick you with the friend but I did all the work.
Hey Cat, it's Michael. You made out with me for a hot dog last night and I feel super used.
These last 48 hours have just been about deleting my most recent snap story
he sent me a green and gold dick pic and advised me I needed to come drive the snake from Ireland.
Listening to sad Lana Del Rey songs together is an integral part of the lesbian bonding process
THIS IS NOT A LAUGHING MATTER, CAITLIN. MY PARENTS ARE FUCKING. LOUDLY.
Randomize
