when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
is it trashy that while he was throwing up in the bathroom, i was hooking up with his childhood best friend?
so I got guilt tripped into giving her a new years kiss, and she proceeded to try and eat my face while mounting me. when you give a mouse a cookie...
Please come pick me up? I sleep walked to planned parenthood again.
I should just tell him this. He doesn't need to be all nice and ask me on dates and to do gay stuff like hangout during the day. I'll still sleep with him regardless.
You do realize that we bought beer at 9:30 in the morning to avoid sobering up. Stupidity was bound to follow.
It would have been the trifecta of dick for her.
They fucked on my pong table last St. Patty's and broke it. I feel like I should be hiding my new one. Would hate for a tradition to form.
im watching blue is the warmest color at the music box and this dude is literally masturbating 3 feet in front of me
The house hit rave levels when La Bamba came on which confuses me because I live in white suburban Canada
PARA BAILAR LA BAMBA ASSHOLES
So please don't worry, but I need some help getting blood out of my drywall so I can get my security deposit back. I would not ask if the need was not great.
lol I'll trade you jello for a tampon
what a trade!
I need to sleep so I can die properly tomorrow.
i woke up this morning with a fake eyeball in my pocket
The text I got from my boyfriend this morning: "babe, I'm not mad because I know you were drunk, but you kissed 3 guys last night and I wasn't one of them".
Randomize
