so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
2 v-cards in one night. impossible is nothing.
im the poster child for why you shouldnt play beer pong with wine.
I got a bikini wax for the first time today and I think I now understand feminism.
if that dog is afraid of alcohol then he's no dog of mine
i had to write a bad check to buy franzia last weekend. i have my priorities in line.
She looked at me and said "i like penises." and then passed out with her condom balloon animal in her hands.
We tried lying really still and being really quiet so that he wouldn't notice us before he left the room. Forgot about the glow in the dark condom.
No. I'm drinking straight up vodka right now. With a pineapple in it.
That'll put some boobs in that bra.
And apparently i asked another younger guy at the bar if he wanted his bud light pumped straight into his vag. As i put back an irish car bomb...
But wait then while giving his drive thru order he goes in mid sentence, "Hey baby it's Travis remember me?"
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
Is it something I'm going to want to hug you for or slap you for?
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
Okay she just told me to turn the volume down on the fan. What does this even mean?
Randomize
